| Military and Aviation Humor |
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher
fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit." Army's magazine
of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------------------------------
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Aim
towards the Enemy."
------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52's are very, very accurate. The
bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF
Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject ... directly over the
area you just bombed." - -U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -
General MacArthur.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -
Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -
U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance.
------------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry
Journal
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't
ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
---------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
-------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into
an ambush." - Infantry Journal.
---------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe
Gay
------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... Once."
------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -
Your Buddies
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF
Ammo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear
No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the
entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -
Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on
fire."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the
ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier
sailor
------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's
probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
-------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene
of the crash."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition . . . the USAF would be just another
expensive flying club."
-------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers
and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC
screws up, ... The pilot dies."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
-------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last
words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
And "Oh S**t!"
------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline aviation: now a flight attendant
can get a pilot pregnant."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains? Two are always needed
to successfully complete the flight."
-------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all
luck; three in a row is prevarication."
-------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was
dangerous."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation: we never left
one up there!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a
flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world... it can
just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley
(Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying
his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as
far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned
aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than
you."
-------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at
Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's
about to."
---------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can
be recognized by.... the appearance of ground, buildings,
sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there."
-------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked . . . .
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied
pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't
know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray
Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
And my all time favorite.... Q. What's the difference
between a large pizza and a commuter airline pilot?
A. A large pizza can feed a family of four.
fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit." Army's magazine
of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------------------------------
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Aim
towards the Enemy."
------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52's are very, very accurate. The
bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF
Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject ... directly over the
area you just bombed." - -U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -
General MacArthur.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -
Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -
U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance.
------------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry
Journal
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't
ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
---------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
-------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into
an ambush." - Infantry Journal.
---------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe
Gay
------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... Once."
------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -
Your Buddies
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF
Ammo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear
No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the
entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -
Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on
fire."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the
ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier
sailor
------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's
probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
-------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene
of the crash."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition . . . the USAF would be just another
expensive flying club."
-------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers
and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC
screws up, ... The pilot dies."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
-------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last
words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
And "Oh S**t!"
------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline aviation: now a flight attendant
can get a pilot pregnant."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains? Two are always needed
to successfully complete the flight."
-------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all
luck; three in a row is prevarication."
-------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was
dangerous."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation: we never left
one up there!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a
flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world... it can
just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley
(Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying
his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as
far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned
aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than
you."
-------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at
Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's
about to."
---------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can
be recognized by.... the appearance of ground, buildings,
sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there."
-------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked . . . .
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied
pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't
know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray
Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
And my all time favorite.... Q. What's the difference
between a large pizza and a commuter airline pilot?
A. A large pizza can feed a family of four.
|
|